“Infertility was my identity crisis. I wasn’t able to do something that my body was made to do, and then as clear as day that’s when I realized where I went wrong.”
Pregnancy is supposed to be something that comes natural to us women. Our body goes through this horrid thing every month just to make it even possible. As for me, growing up I wanted to be a mother. I remember being asked while I was in second grade what I wanted to be when I grew up, I smiled and proudly said “a mama!”, as if it would come to me as easily as the baby doll I was rocking in my arms. Oh, to have child like faith again.
As I grew, I became more aware of my body and it was like God had already prepared me for the mountain I would one day climb. My body was riddled with odd illnesses that were never really explainable. With all of my health issues, I already had it in my mind that I would have to fight to become a mother and that wore me down.
After a year of marriage and more complicated health issues, we decided to start trying to have children. We knew my clock, as some would say, was ticking much faster than those my age. We met with several different doctors who put me on so many different prescriptions that I thought my head was going to spin. All the medicine in the world wouldn’t help me and I was led to a negative pregnancy test month after month. Fourteen months had passed before I met a very special doctor. She cared more about finding the problem, getting me healthy and then if everything worked out we would pray for a pregnancy! This was the first time someone other than my husband and family was invested in my personal well being and I was thrilled!
Several tests later we discovered that I had several ridges and polyps in my uterus. Most likely, the cause of the imbalance in my body. One quick outpatient procedure and a month of recovery, and we were back to trying for our baby! What had been the longest season in my life and the darkest, seemed to finally showing signs of hope. We were so hopeful, so full of faith and finally joy. Depression seemed to be wearing off and I was running towards a family that would finally be mine, finally be tangible.
We began our first month back with a very promising procedure. I had three mature follicles and we were doing a timed IUI. There was talk of twins and we were sure that this was finally our time! Two weeks later, Ryan was out of town and I got my blood work back. A phone call saying that they were sorry, but that I wasn’t pregnant this month. I lost it. My knees hit the ground and I began to weep. My whole world flipped upside down and I lost every ounce of hope that was left in my body. In that moment I knew that I could no longer continue on this road. It was too hard and I was losing everything good that made me, me. Infertility was my identity crisis. I wasn’t able to do something that my body was made to do, and then as clear as day that’s when I realized where I went wrong.
Believers always talk about our identity and making sure that we put it in the right place, in the arms of Jesus. I forgot the most talked about issue in the church. I forgot my identity. I was so wrapped up in this image of me being a mother, that I completely looked past being a faithful and obedient daughter. It was there that I laid down every ounce of my heart and soul that longed to carry a child and be a mother. I surrendered and to my own surprise, I felt more free than ever before.
My marriage began to thrive again and I found contentment once again. I knew that I would be a mother one day. God is a faithful father who will never let His children down. However and whenever motherhood came to me, it would be good. It would be better than all of my hopes and dreams combined. My children would come to me in His timing and I would be a better mother to them for the season of waiting had taught me much.
If you are wondering, my arms did end up to be very full with not only one, but two miracle babies. We will get to that later.. because I want to stop here and encourage you.
You, my brother or sister are a masterpiece and God has made no mistake in you. He took on your infertility, your depression, your guilt and anxiety when He bled for you on the cross. It is in His blood that you are set free from the chains of infertility. I am speaking life over you in this very moment, that you would be radically changed as you read this. That you would join me in declaring that He has delivered you and that He has won. For in that truth, you run into a place of healing and redemption. That the enemy will no longer hold your infertility over you nor harden your heart towards others successes in pregnancy. God knows your story, and if He loves you as much as He loves me, which He does, I can promise you that what is ahead is so much better than what has been left behind. Your story isn’t over, redemption has already been made yours. Most certainly, dear friend, I know this.. Your family is in the making!