Pregnancy After Infertility
Two months had passed since we surrendered our desire to become pregnant. In those two months we suffered another great loss, Ryan’s uncle who was also like one of his greatest friends. Life had seemed to just come crashing down on us completely, but something was said to us that I couldn’t seem to shake. In the days earlier we had sat with Ryan’s uncle, trying to soak in the moments we had left. One night what brought us there so urgently was a phone call saying that he was really worried about us and that he wanted us to know that everything would be okay. We kept assuring him that we were fine and we knew that everything would be fine, but he kept on pushing, “NO, I want you to know that EVERYTHING will be okay!” he said. It felt like my heart fell to my feet as I thought, he’s talking about us having a baby. One month later my mom showed up on my doorstep with a pregnancy test and insisted that I take it. Hundreds of pregnancy tests had been thrown into the trash before, showing one line that to this day haunts me. This test, however, was different. Two lines appeared and in an instant my life forever changed. We were pregnant and we’d find out fourteen weeks later that we were expecting our son, Regan.
When you battle infertility, it’s really difficult to not hold your breath while you are pregnant. You are so used to things never working out that you find yourself constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall. I was so sick when I was pregnant. I was sick the entire time. With my sickness came so much pain, that I would later find out was way worse than labor. One night I got so sick that I was on the phone with my doctor swearing I would go into labor from the amount of pain I was in. She assured me that I was fine, and to remain calm, hydrated and try to rest. I felt so helpless and knew that all I could do was pray for healing. I weeped on the bathroom floor and as I was pleading with God it reminded me of my previous pleas for this very thing. I wouldn’t care if I was sick, had to labor for days, had the most painful delivery, as long as God would bless me with a healthy baby, I would be humbled by it all. Just as those memories came flooding back, Regan began to do something that became my favorite thing he did while growing within me. He rubbed his hands (I found out it was hands five days before he was born, because he was so big), right across my stomach, and he would do it over and over again. Always when I was sick and crying. I would laugh and could feel his patient and sympathetic heart from the time he was big enough to move. I knew that no matter how rough my pregnancy would be, no matter how challenging or painful labor could be, that this little boy was a miracle and was already just as in love with me as I was with him. So I chose joy in the midst of my sickness.
I chose joy in sickness, contractions, heart burn that made me want to scream, weeks of prodromal labor, real contractions, labor and the most beautiful delivery. Oh, sweet pregnant mama who is reading this. No matter the circumstances, take heart. This baby loves you, feels you and is a miracle gifted to you. Get ready, your heart is about to grow bigger than your tummy and you will be forever changed. And guess what? The other shoe never did fall, because my child does not belong to superstition, bad luck or earthly circumstances. He belongs to the creator of all things. He belongs to Jesus. I will cling to that truth all the days of my life, regardless of what comes my way. I pray that you do too.